Fear

Last night, the nightmare returned.  I am driving down a highway. I miss my exit. Frantically, I try to get my GPS to work on my phone, but the connection is lost.  I keep driving, trying to figure out how to get to where I am going, and quickly get lost.

Then I see it: a very high, very steep bridge.  My knuckles turn pale as I grip the wheel and mutter "shit."  Cars are whizzing by me, semis are barreling down on me. I have no choice but to catapult my car at 70 miles per hour onto this concrete tight rope before me.  I cringe in terror as I go up, up, up.... then I hear the alarm, and wake up.

(Oh HELL no! Why did the French build this crazy fucking thing?)

I have been having this same nightmare for years, though details change from dream to dream.  Once, I missed my exit and was forced to drive out of Delaware and into New Jersey (that is scary in real life).  Another time, I was forced up onto a drawbridge and stuck, nearly vertical, in the sky.

Two details remain the same across all the versions of this dream: I have to drive over a huge bridge unlike anything man has ever engineered on this earth, and I am lost.

In real life, I am terrified of driving over bridges.  Passes are even worse.  While Matt and I were living in Colorado, we took a day trip up to Breckenridge with his family.  Somehow we decided it would be fun to take Loveland Pass on the way back home.  While Matt and his family were enjoying the beautiful views at 11,000 feet, I was curled up in the fetal position in the back seat with tears running down my cheeks.

The Road to Hana in Maui was another terrifying experience. Try hugging a sheer cliff in a torrential downpour at night as you navigate a one-way road plagued with blind spots and minimal guard rails while locals pass you going 40 mph in their pickup trucks.

(Aerial view of Hana Highway on Maui)

While my recurring nightmare is rooted in my fear of bridges, it goes deeper than that. I usually have this nightmare when I feel out of control in my life, when I am very stressed, or when I am concerned about my future. I am about to embark on a two year walkabout to New Zealand. Though I am excited and happy, I am also terrified. When we land in Auckland, we will have no jobs, no car, no permanent residence, no friends. We won't even have a frying pan to call our own. We'll have our instruments, a suitcase of clothes, and our courage.

If I analyze my fear of bridges, I realize that it's not a fear of heights, but a fear that if something were to go wrong, a bridge would be the worst place for it to happen.  Another driver could hit me, sending me careening over the edge. Or a gust of wind could cause me to lose control of my car, sending me careening over the edge. Or lack of funding could cause the bridge to fall out from under me, sending me careening over the edge. (Or, God forbid, I get stuck on an example of failed engineering.)

This move to New Zealand is the largest bridge I will ever cross. While I am excited about the new heights I will reach and the beauty I will see before me, I am terrified. All I can do is close my eyes, hold on tight, and let fate carry me over to the other side......

(Mt. Cook Village, New Zealand, 4 hours north of Queenstown - we were there!)